Dear Doctor Love,
Belizeans love to complain about bad roads, crime, garbage, high prices and politicians, especially on Facebook. But when there is a public consultation or community meeting, sometimes only a handful of people show up. Then the next day everybody is back online asking why nothing changes. Just this past month, I attended two different public consultations, and the attendance was minimal. Are our leaders the only problem, or do we as citizens also need to take more responsibility for getting involved in our communities? /s/ Do We Complain but Do Nothing?
Dear Do We Complain but Do Nothing,
I think there is blame on both sides, but I also think we need to ask why people have stopped showing up.
Some people genuinely don’t care until something affects them personally. That’s the truth. We will ignore a development meeting for months and then get angry when construction starts next door. By then, the time to ask questions may have already passed.
But leaders also have to earn people’s participation. You cannot hold a consultation, listen politely, do whatever you were going to do anyway, and then wonder why fewer people come to the next one. After enough of that, people start believing their voice doesn’t matter.
For those of you who are still attending these meetings, please don’t stop. Speak up while you’re there. Ask the questions that need asking. And afterward, instead of only posting about how few people showed up, tell people what actually happened at the meeting. What was discussed? What decisions are being considered? What should the rest of us know? Then encourage people to come to the next one.
It’s a hard battle we’re fighting here on the island, especially when it sometimes feels like only a handful of people care enough to keep showing up. But those few cannot give up. Sometimes change starts with the same small group refusing to stop paying attention. /s/ Dr Love
Dear Doctor Love,
I’m in my late 20s and have been living together with my boyfriend for almost a year, but lately I feel like I’m carrying most of the household expenses. He moved into my apartment, and at the start we were splitting rent and utilities down the middle. He always seems to have money for weekends, drinks and going out, but when rent, groceries or when BEL comes around, suddenly he’s broke. I love him, but love isn’t paying the bills. How do I tell him things need to change without turning our relationship into a business arrangement? /s/ Handling Expenses
Dear Handling Expenses,
You just have to be really honest with him. Tell him straight: “This isn’t working for me anymore.” You don’t need a spreadsheet and you don’t need to account for every dollar. You already had an agreement. He needs to keep his end of it.
And stop covering his part when he comes up short. If you keep doing that, there is no reason for him to change. Rent and BEL come before drinks and weekends. That’s just being an adult.
I’d also pay close attention to how he reacts when you bring it up. A good partner might not love the conversation, but he’ll understand why you’re having it and try to fix things. If he gets angry, makes you feel guilty, or somehow turns it around on you, then you have a bigger problem than the light bill.
You don’t have to make your relationship about money. But you do need to know whether you’re building a life with a partner or taking care of another grown person. /s/ Dr Love
Dear Doctor Love,
My boyfriend’s ex is still extremely close to his family. She attends birthdays, Sunday hangouts, and even family Christmas gatherings because they say she has “always been part of the family.” They don’t have children together, so I don’t understand why she needs to be at everything. His mother even compares us sometimes. How do I handle this without looking jealous or disrespectful? /s/ The Ex Who Won’t Leave
Dear The Ex Who Won’t Leave,
This is a loaded one because a lot depends on the history here. Was she around for ten years? Was she a family friend even before they dated? Did his family practically raise her? If so, I can understand why they didn’t suddenly cut her off when the relationship ended.
But understanding it doesn’t mean you have to be comfortable with everything either.
Start with how she actually treats you. Is she respectful and clearly there because of her relationship with the family? Or is she still acting like she has a place in your boyfriend’s life? Those are two very different situations.
The mother comparing the two of you needs to stop. Your boyfriend should be able to tell his mother, respectfully, that those comments make things uncomfortable and aren’t necessary.
And you don’t have to attend every gathering. Go for Sunday lunch, enjoy yourself for a while and leave early if you’re uncomfortable. You don’t need to make a scene or give anyone an ultimatum. If they eventually ask why you don’t stay as long, you can simply be honest: “I don’t want to be rude to anyone, but sometimes the situation makes me uncomfortable.”
Your boyfriend should be able to understand that. You aren’t asking him to tell his family who they can and cannot love. You’re asking for some reasonable boundaries.
And if she truly is just an old family friend who respects your relationship, time may solve some of this on its own. Hopefully she’ll eventually have her own boyfriend sitting beside her at Sunday lunch, and everybody can get on with their lives. /s/ Dr Love
Doctor Love is the island’s and possibly the world’s greatest authority on just about everything. The Doctor answers questions concerning any subject except religion or politics. Persons needing additional assistance or counseling should contact the Family Services Division at 227-7541. The opinions herein are not necessarily those of The San Pedro Sun. Write Doctor Love at PO Box 51, San Pedro Town, Belize, or email: dr.love@sanpedrosun.com