Dear Doctor Love,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, and lately every argument ends with him telling me, “If you’re not happy, then leave.” When things are good, he is loving and talks about our future, but whenever we disagree, he acts like the relationship means nothing. I’m getting tired of feeling like I have to fight for us every time there is a problem. Is he just saying it out of anger, or should I start taking him seriously? /s/ Should I leave?
Dear Should I leave?,
I would start taking him seriously. Maybe he says it out of anger, but after a while that excuse gets old. You cannot keep throwing the relationship on the table every time there is an argument and then expect the other person to feel secure when things calm down.
The next time things are good, not during a fight, tell him plainly that you are tired of hearing “then leave.” If he wants this relationship, then disagreements have to be handled without threatening the whole relationship every time.
And if he keeps saying it after you have made that clear, then maybe one day you do need to stop fighting so hard to stay somewhere you are constantly being told you can leave. /s/ Dr Love
Dear Doctor Love,
My ex and I have a child together, and recently he started bringing his new girlfriend around. Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem with him moving on because we’re not together anymore. But what has me bothered is that this is the same woman he used to tell me over and over was “just a coworker” and that I had nothing to worry about. Now, all of a sudden, the two of them are together like it was never anything.
I’m trying my best to keep things civil because at the end of the day, we still have to raise our child together. But every time I see the two of them, I can’t help but feel like maybe everybody knew what was going on except me, and I was the fool in the situation. Part of me wants to call them both out, but another part knows that could just bring more bacchanal and make co-parenting harder.
Doctor Love, how do I put my feelings aside and co-parent peacefully when I’m still vex about how everything played out? /s/ Co-parenting amid lies
Dear Co-parenting amid lies,
You do not have to pretend you are not vex. Anybody would have questions after being told over and over that somebody was “just a coworker,” only to see them together later.
But calling them both out now probably will not give you the satisfaction you think it will. They may deny it, make excuses, or turn it into more bacchanal, and like you said, at the end of the day you still have a child to raise together.
Keep your conversations with your ex about the child. Be civil, but you do not have to be friends with him or his girlfriend. And stop worrying about whether everybody knew something you did not. If he lied, that reflects on him, not on you.
You may never get the full truth about when their relationship started. Sometimes peace comes when you stop waiting for people to admit what you already believe happened. /s/ Dr Love
Dear Doctor Love,
I recently learned that a woman I considered a friend has been showing screenshots of our private conversations to other people. Some of those messages were me venting about personal situations and people we both know. Now I’m embarrassed because things I said privately are making their way around town without any context. She apologized and said she only showed one person, but obviously it didn’t stop there. Can you ever trust somebody again after they expose your private conversations? /s/ Broken Trust
Dear Broken Trust,
You can forgive somebody and still never trust them the same way again.
Showing private messages is a big betrayal, especially on an island where one screenshot can travel faster than you can explain it. Her saying she only showed one person really does not make it better. Once she shared it, she lost control of where it went.
I would accept the apology if you feel it is genuine, but I would also change the friendship. Be friendly if you want, but she would no longer be the person I send private thoughts, gossip, problems or anything I would not want repeated.
And take this as a little lesson for yourself too. Even when we trust somebody, be careful what we put in writing about other people. Screenshots live forever.
She may earn some trust back over time, but she does not automatically get the same access to you just because she apologized. /s/ Dr Love
Doctor Love is the island’s and possibly the world’s greatest authority on just about everything. The Doctor answers questions concerning any subject except religion or politics. Persons needing additional assistance or counseling should contact the Family Services Division at 227-7541. The opinions herein are not necessarily those of The San Pedro Sun. Write Doctor Love at PO Box 51, San Pedro Town, Belize, or email: dr.love@sanpedrosun.com