Dear Doctor Love,
My mother shares everything about our lives in our family WhatsApp group. If I mention a bad day at work, she posts about it. If I tell her I’m worried about money or have a disagreement with someone, the whole family knows by lunchtime. Relatives I hardly speak to then message me with advice, and sometimes they bring it up when they see me in person.
I love my mother, and I know she thinks she’s keeping the family close. But I’m starting to feel like I can’t tell her anything in confidence. I’ve asked her to keep certain things between us, and she says, “It’s only family,” as though that makes it okay. How do I get her to respect my privacy without making her feel that I’m shutting her out? /s/ Family Group Chat
Dear Family Group Chat,
Your mother may mean well, but “it’s only family” does not cancel your right to privacy. Family can gossip just as fast as anybody else, sometimes faster because everybody has everybody’s number.
You may have to stop asking her to keep things private and start deciding what information she gets. Tell her plainly that you love talking to her, but when you share something personal, it is meant for her unless you specifically say she can share it. Then follow through. If she continues posting your business, stop giving her the business you don’t want posted.
That isn’t shutting your mother out. It is teaching her where the boundary is. She may not like it at first, but privacy is not disrespect.
And maybe save the really juicy problems for after they’re already solved. At least then Auntie can’t form a family committee before lunchtime. /s/ Dr Love
Dear Doctor Love,
My friend borrows my golf cart so often that I’ve even had to change my own plans. She recently returned it with damage and acted like it was already there. Is it worth confronting her, or should I simply stop lending it? /s/ Borrowed Cart
Dear Borrowed Cart,
Do both.
Tell her you noticed the damage and that you know it wasn’t there before. You don’t need a big argument, but you also don’t have to pretend you didn’t notice just to keep the peace.
Then stop lending her the cart.
The bigger problem is that you are rearranging your own life so somebody else can use something that belongs to you. A favor is supposed to be occasional. Once you’re the one being inconvenienced, it has gone too far.
Next time she asks, a simple “Sorry, I need my cart” is enough. You bought a golf cart, not a community transportation service. /s/ Dr Love
Dear Doctor Love,
My child’s father promises to attend school events, games and other special moments, but he often cancels at the last minute. Our child gets excited, looks for him in the crowd and then asks me why he never came. A couple of weeks ago, my child had a part in a school parade and asked his dad to accompany him. Of course he never showed up and my baby kept checking the street side of the parade route until it was over. I had to explain his absence again, and I could see how disappointed my child was.
I’ve spoken to him about it. He says he wants to be involved and that things come up unexpectedly. I don’t want to discourage their relationship, but I also hate watching our child get hurt over and over. Should I stop passing along his promises until he actually shows up? If I do, am I protecting my child or coming between them? /s/ Dad is never there
Dear Dad is never there,
Yes, I would stop passing along promises until Dad actually shows up.
You are not stopping him from being a father. You are simply refusing to keep handing your child promises that you cannot guarantee someone else will keep.
If Dad says he is coming to a game, let him come. When your child sees him walk through the gate, wonderful. But there is no need to spend the whole morning saying, “Daddy is coming,” only to watch that little face searching the crowd again.
And Dad needs to understand something too. Children remember who shows up. Emergencies happen, of course, but when disappointment becomes a pattern, eventually a child stops expecting you. That is a much harder thing to repair.
Keep the door open for their relationship, but let Dad’s actions do the talking. You don’t need to advertise promises on his behalf anymore. /s/ Dr Love
Doctor Love is the island’s and possibly the world’s greatest authority on just about everything. The Doctor answers questions concerning any subject except religion or politics. Persons needing additional assistance or counseling should contact the Family Services Division at 227-7541. The opinions herein are not necessarily those of The San Pedro Sun. Write Doctor Love at PO Box 51, San Pedro Town, Belize, or email: dr.love@sanpedrosun.com