Dear Doctor Love,
My aunt runs a food stall and often asks my 14-year-old daughter to help after school and on Saturdays. At first, it was an occasional favour, and I liked that my daughter was learning useful skills. Now my aunt expects her several days a week, gives her only a little spending money and gets offended when she has homework or wants to see friends. She says Belizean children are becoming too soft and that family should help family. My daughter has asked me to speak up because she is afraid of seeming disrespectful. How do I protect her time without teaching her to turn her back on family? /s/ Homework Before Garnaches
Dear Homework Before Garnaches,
Helping at a food stall can teach a child plenty. So can seeing her mother speak up when an occasional favour becomes an obligation.
Talk to your aunt yourself. Your daughter should not have to argue her case with an adult who is already making her feel guilty. Be clear: “I appreciate what you’ve taught her, but several days a week is too much. School comes first, and she needs time for herself too.”
Before offering any arrangement, ask your daughter whether she still wants to help. If she does, agree on a manageable day, finishing time and fair payment. Your aunt needs to know she cannot add extra days or give the girl a hard time when she is unavailable.
Your daughter can learn to work hard and care about family without being available whenever someone calls. At fourteen, she is allowed to have homework, friends and a Saturday that belongs to her.
Your aunt may be offended. Let her have her feelings without handing your daughter’s time back to her. /s/ Dr Love
Dear Doctor Love,
I lent my little sister money to help with her children’s school expenses back in July, with the understanding that she would repay me a little each payday. Three months later, I have received nothing, but she regularly posts pictures of outings at bars and lunch and dinner dates with her group of friends. When I asked about repayment, she told me I should understand how hard things are for a single mother. I have children and bills too, and I worked extra shifts during the busy season to save that money. Now our mother says I am creating division in the family over dollars. How do I ask for what I am owed without becoming the villain? /s/ Sister, Not a Bank
Dear Sister, Not a Bank,
You helped with her children’s school expenses. You did not agree to cover those expenses permanently, and asking her to keep her word is reasonable.
Leave the Facebook pictures out of the conversation. They are understandably irritating, but arguing over who paid for lunch will take you away from the agreement she made.
Tell her plainly: “I know you have expenses. So do I, and I need us to settle on a repayment amount you can manage, starting your next payday.” Agree on an amount and dates, then put it in a message so there is no confusion. If she cannot manage the original payments, she needs to suggest something realistic and follow through.
As for your mother, a simple answer will do: “I helped because she is my sister. I lent money I worked for, and I need it repaid. This is for us to sort out.”
You may not be able to stop anyone from calling you the villain. You can keep your tone civil, keep the matter private and stop lending her more money. Being someone’s sister does not make your own bills less important. /s/ Dr Love
Dear Doctor Love,
My son spends weekdays with me and most weekends with his father. At my house, he has chores, a bedtime and limits on gaming, but at his father’s house, he stays up late and gets money for almost anything he asks for. His dad says weekends should be fun because he does not get to see him every day. Our son has started saying he wants to live there because I am too strict. We both grew up in Belizean households where children were expected to help, but apparently those expectations only apply in mine. How do we find some balance without making our son feel caught between us? /s/ The “Mean” Parent
Dear The “Mean” Parent,
It is easy to be the favourite house when one parent handles school mornings and the other gets most of the leisure time. That can sting, especially when you are the one making sure everything gets done.
Speak with his father privately, away from your son and preferably when nobody is already upset. Ask for a few shared expectations: a reasonable bedtime, some responsibility around the house and limits on spending and gaming. Weekends can be fun without every request getting a yes. Explain what happens when your son comes home tired or argues that chores should be optional.
Also take an honest look at your own rules. Are they suited to his age, and does he get enough time to enjoy himself with you? You can make adjustments where needed without dropping every expectation.
When your son says he wants to live with his dad, hear him out. Ask what he wishes were different, without criticising his father or making him feel guilty for enjoying his weekends.
If his father will not cooperate, keep your own rules fair and steady. You do not need to compete over treats, and your son should not have to carry complaints between the two of you. /s/ Dr Love
Doctor Love is the island’s and possibly the world’s greatest authority on just about everything. The Doctor answers questions concerning any subject except religion or politics. Persons needing additional assistance or counseling should contact the Family Services Division at 227-7541. The opinions herein are not necessarily those of The San Pedro Sun. Write Doctor Love at PO Box 51, San Pedro Town, Belize, or email: dr.love@sanpedrosun.com