Dear Doctor Love,
I have been married for three and a half years. Instead of starting a family right away my husband and I decided to wait until our lives were more settled. We are just now getting at that place where we are talking about doing away with the birth control and see what happens. In the meantime we always have to deal with people asking if I’m pregnant yet and when are we going to have children. One of the first things they usually ask is whether or not we’re trying. I usually put them off with some line about having dogs and a cat is enough for right now. Only once have I got sarcastic and said we decided to quit having sex and we are going to have a surrogate mother for a child. It caused some problems with my sister-in-law but it was worth it.
What I really want to say is that it’s none of their business. Is there a polite way to do this?
Those who are truly polite do not ask about the finances of others, their political views and anything involving their sex life. If the information is given freely then it is fair game for conversation.
There is nothing wrong with saying, “That is really our own private business. If I ever get pregnant you’ll be one of the first to know.” This kind of answer usually put those questions to rest.
Dear Doctor Love,
I married my husband for his money and because I wanted to get citizenship. He knew fifteen years ago that is the main reason I said yes. Another reason is that my parents wanted to move here and they wanted citizenship, too. My husband is a very good man who treats me and our two children well. He would do anything I asked but I do not love him. I would like to and I have tried but I just can’t do it.
Is there some way you can help me deal with this? What am I doing wrong?
You have it set in your mind that you do not love him. This is probably caused by feeling guilty. The guilt is because you used him. He has known from the first that you needed him for your citizenship but he married you anyway and seems to have remained faithful and kind to you over the years.
Quit feeling guilty and give your marriage a chance. Your husband came into this with eyes wide open. If you had left him fourteen years ago he would have understood. Clear your conscience and try to make him happy now.