Dear Doctor Love,
My husband works in tourism, so his income changes depending on the season. During high season, he makes good money, usually more than I do, but instead of saving for the slower months, he tends to spend more on going out, eating out, and things we don’t necessarily need.
I’ve tried telling him we should save while business is good because we know slow season is coming. He usually responds that he works hard for his money, makes more than I do, and doesn’t need me telling him how to spend it.
Now slow season is here, his income has dropped, bills are piling up, and suddenly it becomes “our” financial problem. The stress comes home with him, and almost every conversation turns into an argument about money.
I love my husband, but I’m starting to resent being expected to share the struggle during the bad months when he doesn’t want my input during the good ones. How do I make him understand that if we’re going to struggle together during slow season, we also need to plan together during high season? /s/ High Season Money, Slow Season Problems
Dear High Season Money, Slow Season Problems,
You are not asking to control his money. You are asking for the two of you to act like a team.
He cannot call it “my money” when business is good and “our problem” when business is slow. Marriage does not work very well that way, especially when you already know tourism has good months and bad ones.
Have the conversation when things are calm, not during an argument over a bill. Sit down together and figure out what your household needs to survive slow season. Then decide how much has to be saved from every high-season paycheck before the fun spending starts.
He absolutely should enjoy some of the money he works hard for. But enjoying today while leaving tomorrow’s bills for both of you is not fair either.
And try not to make this about who earns more. A marriage is not a competition between two paychecks. If both people are expected to carry the consequences, both people deserve a voice in the decisions.
Next high season, the savings account should get paid first. /s/ Dr Love
Dear Doctor Love,
I have friends who are always traveling, eating out, buying new things, and posting everything online. I started doing the same because I didn’t want to feel left behind, but the truth is I’m now carrying credit card debt and struggling between paydays. Nobody knows because online it looks like I’m doing great. How do I stop comparing myself to people when everybody seems to be living better than me? /s/ Keeping Up Appearances
Dear Keeping Up Appearances,
The first thing to remember is that you are comparing your real life to everybody else’s highlight reel.
You see the trip. You don’t see the credit card statement. You see the new outfit. You don’t know whether it was paid for, borrowed for, or bought at the expense of something else.
And right now, you are living proof of that yourself. Someone looking at your page probably thinks you are doing wonderfully too.
So stop spending money to impress people who are probably not thinking about you nearly as much as you imagine. Give yourself permission to stay home, repeat an outfit, decline an expensive dinner and say, “That’s not in my budget right now.”
You don’t have to announce your finances to anyone.
Start quietly cleaning up the debt and building a life that actually feels good when the phone is turned off. Looking rich and feeling financially secure are two very different things.
Choose the second one. /s/ Dr Love
Dear Doctor Love,
My girlfriend recently took a second job because she needs the extra money. I understand why, especially with how expensive everything has become, but now we barely see each other. When she does have time off, she’s exhausted. I don’t want to make her feel guilty for working, but I also don’t want our relationship to become something we only squeeze in when there’s time. How do I tell her I miss us without sounding selfish? /s/ Two Jobs and No Time for Us
Dear Two Jobs and No Time for Us,
There is nothing selfish about missing your partner.
The important part is how you say it. Don’t approach her with, “You never have time for me anymore.” She already knows she is tired and busy, and that will probably only make her feel guilty.
Tell her you understand why she took the second job and that you support her, but you miss spending time together and want to make sure the relationship doesn’t disappear underneath all the responsibilities.
And don’t assume quality time has to mean a big date night. Right now it may be breakfast together, sitting outside with a drink for half an hour, taking a walk, cooking dinner together, or protecting one evening every couple of weeks where work doesn’t get invited.
Sometimes relationships go through seasons where there simply isn’t much extra time. What matters is whether both people are still making an effort to find each other inside the busy parts.
Tell her you miss her, not that she’s failing you.
That difference matters. /s/ Dr Love
Doctor Love is the island’s and possibly the world’s greatest authority on just about everything. The Doctor answers questions concerning any subject except religion or politics. Persons needing additional assistance or counseling should contact the Family Services Division at 227-7541. The opinions herein are not necessarily those of The San Pedro Sun. Write Doctor Love at PO Box 51, San Pedro Town, Belize, or email: dr.love@sanpedrosun.com