Dear Doctor Love,
I moved to San Pedro for work and would like to become more involved in the community. I attend events and support local businesses, but people often remind me that I am not originally from the island. I respect the pride residents have in their hometown, yet it hurts to feel that I will always be a mainlander. How can I build meaningful connections without feeling as though I have to prove I belong? /s/ Making This Home
Dear Making This Home,
Some people will call you a mainlander even after you have lived here for twenty years. You may not be able to change that, but it does not have to decide what your life here looks like.
San Pedro is a proud community, and people who grew up here have shared memories and family connections that go back generations. Those friendships take time to grow into. Keep showing up, get to know your neighbours, and find something you enjoy being part of. Working alongside people on a school fundraiser or community cleanup often does more for a friendship than attending a dozen parties.
But please do these things because you want to, not because you are trying to earn permission to live here. You work here, you contribute, and you are making a life here. There is nothing wrong with that.
The next time someone points out that you are from the mainland, a simple “Yes, and I’m happy here” will do. You do not need an argument prepared.
There are people on this island who will welcome you. Give yourself time to find them and let those friendships matter more than the comments. /s/ Doctor Love
Dear Doctor Love,
I believe in supporting local businesses, but sometimes I buy from larger stores or order online because the prices fit my budget. A friend who owns a small business recently criticized me publicly for not supporting her, even though I have purchased from her before. I understand that running a business is difficult, but I felt embarrassed and pressured. How do I explain my position without turning this into a bigger disagreement? /s/ Watching My Dollars
Dear Watching My Dollars,
Most of us would love to shop without looking at the price. Most of us also have bills to pay.
Buying from your friend before does not commit you to buying everything from her forever. You are allowed to compare prices and spend within your means, without having to explain your bank balance to anyone.
I would speak to her privately and keep it simple: “I have supported your business, and I will shop with you when I can. But I have a budget, and sometimes I need to buy elsewhere. What you said publicly embarrassed me, and I would appreciate you coming to me privately if something is bothering you.”
She may be worried about her business and taking it personally. You can understand that without accepting the way she treated you.
If you like what she sells, keep recommending her when the opportunity comes up. But do not make a purchase out of guilt just to settle this. That could leave you short of money and quietly resentful.
Hopefully, she will think about what you have said and apologise. Give her the chance. If she keeps pushing, you do not have to keep defending a perfectly reasonable decision. /s/ Doctor Love
Dear Doctor Love,
I am the older daughter out of 3 children. I love both my parents, but I am tired of living in a house where almost every conversation turns into an argument. Even when they are not shouting, the tension makes it hard to relax. Sometimes they complain to me about each other, and I feel caught in the middle.
They say they are staying together for the children, but I wish they understood how unhappy their fighting makes us. I have started feeling that we would all be better off if they separated, and then I feel guilty for thinking that. Is it wrong to want my parents to break up, and how can I tell them how much this is affecting me without feeling responsible for what happens next? /s/ Caught in the Middle
Dear Caught in the Middle,
No, sweetheart, it is not wrong. When you live with constant arguing, it is understandable to think that two separate homes might be happier than the one you are living in now. You can love both your parents and still wish they would stop putting each other, and the children, through this.
I imagine hearing “We’re staying together for the children” makes it even harder. It can leave you feeling as though you are the reason they are unhappy. You are not. They are the adults, and what they decide to do about their relationship belongs to them.
Being the oldest does not mean you should have to hear complaints about your mother from your father, or about your father from your mother. It is okay to say, “I love you, but I don’t want to be in the middle of this. Please talk to someone else about it.”
When things are calm, tell them what you have told me. You could say, “I know you say you’re staying together for us, but the fighting is making me unhappy. Even when you aren’t shouting, I feel tense at home. I need you to understand how much this is affecting me.”
You do not have to tell them whether to stay or go. You are asking them to take you seriously and do something about the situation. If saying it feels too hard, write them a letter. And please talk to a trusted relative, teacher or school counsellor. You need someone you can lean on, too.
If an argument becomes threatening or physical, get somewhere safe and ask a trusted adult for help. Do not try to step between them.
Whatever they decide, it will not be because you said the wrong thing. Their problems already exist. Speaking honestly about how those problems affect you does not make them your fault. /s/ Doctor Love
Doctor Love is the island’s and possibly the world’s greatest authority on just about everything. The Doctor answers questions concerning any subject except religion or politics. Persons needing additional assistance or counseling should contact the Family Services Division at 227-7541. The opinions herein are not necessarily those of The San Pedro Sun. Write Doctor Love at PO Box 51, San Pedro Town, Belize, or email: dr.love@sanpedrosun.com