Dear Doctor Love,
Whenever my boyfriend and I argue, he posts vague messages on Facebook about loyalty, respect, and knowing your worth. He never names me, but our friends know exactly who he means, and some have started messaging me to ask what happened. He says it’s his page and his way of expressing himself. I feel embarrassed having our private problems turned into something people can comment on. Am I being controlling by asking him to stop? /s/ Keep Us Offline
Dear Keep Us Offline,
Facebook does not need minutes from your last argument.
No, asking your boyfriend to keep your disagreements private does not make you controlling. You’re the one answering messages while he gets to say, “I never mentioned your name.” In a small town, sometimes a name is the only detail people don’t need.
He’s allowed to feel hurt and need someone to talk to. A trusted friend can offer perspective. A Facebook audience usually offers popcorn.
Bring it up when you’re both calm. Tell him plainly: “When you post those things after we argue, people contact me. I feel exposed, and it makes it harder for us to work things out.” Ask him to agree that your arguments stay off social media. That still leaves him plenty of ways to express himself.
Then pay attention to his response. He doesn’t have to understand your embarrassment immediately, but he should care that something he keeps doing is hurting you. If he continues, knowing the effect, you’ll have to decide whether this relationship offers the privacy and consideration you need.
And please resist posting your own quote about immature men. Tempting, yes. But somebody has to close the comments. /s/ Doctor Love
Dear Doctor Love,
A close friend recently started working at the same business as me, and I’m now responsible for supervising her. She comes in late, takes longer breaks, and assumes I’ll cover for her because we’re friends. When I spoke to her privately, she said the position had gone to my head. I don’t want to lose the friendship, but treating her differently is becoming unfair to everyone else. How do I handle this without bringing the tension into our lives outside work? I just wanted to mention that I was not involved in any way in getting her hired. There was an opening, she applied and got the job. /s/ Friend and Supervisor
Dear Friend and Supervisor,
Apparently, the position went to your head around the same time the break schedule slipped her mind.
You didn’t arrange her hiring, and you haven’t described asking for any special favors. You’re asking her to arrive on time and take the same breaks as everybody else. That is a reasonable expectation of someone who applied for and accepted a job.
Have another private conversation, but keep this one specific. Explain the hours, the break limits, and what will happen if the problems continue, following your workplace’s usual procedures. You can say, “I care about our friendship, but I can’t cover your lateness or give you exceptions. These expectations apply to everyone, and I’m responsible for making sure they’re followed. Otherwise it’s my job on the line.”
Don’t get pulled into defending your personality every time you address her work. Whether you’ve “changed” is a wonderfully distracting argument when someone would rather not discuss what time they clocked in.
Keep a factual record, and involve your own supervisor if needed. Be fair to her, too. Give her the same guidance, opportunities, and consequences you would give another employee.
Outside work, avoid making every dinner or phone call a performance review. But understand that you cannot keep the tension out of the friendship all by yourself. She has to accept that friendship doesn’t come with unlimited breaks. You can leave room for things to settle without doing her job for her in the meantime. /s/ Doctor Love
Dear Doctor Love,
San Pedro is a small town where everybody knows your business before you do. Apparently, I was the last to find out that my boyfriend has been getting very friendly with my cousin. She is always asking him for a ride, and somehow he can find time to carry her everywhere, but when I need something, gas is expensive.
Last weekend, she posted a picture sitting in his golf cart wearing the Costas I bought him. When I asked about it, he said I was making trouble over nothing. My cousin told me, “Girl, you know we grow up together,” as if that explains why she was in his cart after midnight.
Now my auntie says I should leave it alone because I will embarrass the family. Nobody seems worried about embarrassing me. Am I letting people put things in my head, or are these two taking me for a fool? /s/ Small Town, Big Disrespect
Dear Small Town, Big Disrespect,
So gas is expensive when you need something, but your cousin has somehow qualified for the midnight transport scholarship. I can see why you have questions.
A photograph, borrowed sunglasses, and late rides do not prove they’re having an affair. But you have enough firsthand reasons to feel uncomfortable without recruiting the whole island to investigate. You asked about something that bothered you, and both of them brushed you off.
Start with your boyfriend. He is the person who made a commitment to you. Ask him directly what is going on, explain the behavior that concerns you, and tell him you need a proper conversation. “You’re making trouble” does nothing to explain why he’s available to her while making excuses with you.
Have a separate conversation with your cousin. Growing up together doesn’t mean hanging out with your boyfriend is cool. It also does not mean you’re forbidden to question anything she does. Tell her plainly that the late rides and dismissive response have affected your trust.
As for Auntie, she can be told, respectfully, that you will handle your relationship privately, but you won’t ignore your concerns to keep everyone comfortable. Family peace becomes a very expensive thing when the same person is always expected to pay for it.
Keep this off social media and watch what happens after those conversations. Do they answer honestly? Do they take your feelings seriously? Does their behavior change? You don’t need to catch anyone in bed to decide that a relationship is leaving you feeling dismissed and unhappy. /s/ Doctor Love
Doctor Love is the island’s and possibly the world’s greatest authority on just about everything. The Doctor answers questions concerning any subject except religion or politics. Persons needing additional assistance or counseling should contact the Family Services Division at 227-7541. The opinions herein are not necessarily those of The San Pedro Sun. Write Doctor Love at PO Box 51, San Pedro Town, Belize, or email: dr.love@sanpedrosun.com