Wolfe’s Woofers: Confessions

Sunday, February 10th, 2013

“This place is really beautiful,” said the tourist at the table next to me. “I love watching the waves break on the reef out in the distance.”

“I don’t know what I like more,” his wife said. “It’s a hard choice between the coconut trees and the warm breeze.”

“Well, it is a lovely place for our second honeymoon,” the man replied.

“Yes, it is.”

I was sitting at a table on the deck of the Holiday Hotel where I enjoy the beautiful view year round. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but sometimes you just can’t help it.

“Dear, now that we have been married for a year there is something I want to ask you.”

“Oh, John,” his wife said. “Not the same old question. I told you before we got married that I didn’t ever want to speak of it.”

“Honey, I just have to know,” her husband said. “I don’t mind telling you how many lovers I’ve had. I want to know how many you’ve had.”

“I don’t want anything to do with this,” she said. “It only leads to jealousy.”

“No, it won’t,” he assured her. “I’ll go first. There was my high school girlfriend, Susie. Then in college there was Linda from my English class, and Jenny. . . .”

“I don’t want to know their names,” his wife said. “It’s bad enough that I have to know how many lovers you had. I certainly don’t want to know who they were.”

“O.K., O.K.,” he said. “Let me count them. Uh, one, two, three, four, uh, five, uh, and yes, I’ll count that one as six. Seven, eight, nine, uh, ten, eleven. Oh, and you. Twelve total.”

“Oh, my,” his wife said.

Dennis-Wolfe-Wolfes-Woofers“Don’t worry about it,” the husband said. “It may seem like a lot to you but it’s nothing to get upset about. Now, tell me how many lovers you had.”

“I don’t feel good about this,” she said. “I know you’ll get upset.”

“Oh, for God’s sake, woman! Get on with it.”

“No names, right?”

“No names. Just the number.”

“O.K. One, two, three, uh, four, five, six, you, eight, nine, ten. . . . .”

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