Wolfe’s Woofer: Funeral

Sunday, February 4th, 2018

“Will you get my long pants and a decent shirt out for me?”
“Why are you wearing your good dress clothes today?” Sherry asked. “Are you going to a wedding without me?”
“No. It’s a funeral.”
“Oh, yes. Your fishing buddy, Don Emilio. I forgot. Isn’t he Mario’s uncle?”
“Yes. As a matter of fact, I’m sitting with the family because Emilio and I caught a lot of fish together over the years.”
“From what I hear of the old man, he caught a lot of other things over the years.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“From what I hear, he supposedly chased the women.”
“He caught quite a few of them, too,” I said. “He also chased the rum bottle a lot.”
At the church I met up with Mario and his old auntie Lela. Mario is my handyman (when he wants to work) and also my good friend. I sat next to him and the widow for the funeral service.
“Friends, we are gathered here to celebrate the life of Señor Emilio Rivas,” the minister said. “The man lying here before you was a good man who will be missed by all.”
“H-m-p-h.”
I distinctly heard old Mz. Lela give a disdainful sniff.
“Don Emilio was a thrifty, industrious person who worked long and hard to support his wife and family.”
She sniffed again. It was almost a snort.
“He was known to be a faithful and honest man, not given to any vices.”
The old lady squirmed in her seat.
“He did like the occasional drink but he never overindulged in anything.”
“Mario! Mario!” the old lady whispered loudly.
“Yes, Tía.”
“Go up there and look in that casket to make sure it’s your Tío Emilio in there.”

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