Wolfe’s Woofers: The Last Word

Saturday, June 30th, 2018

“Vernon, we missed you at the darts tournament practice this week,” I said.
“Yeah. I was on the mainland trying to keep peace in my family.”
“How did it go?”
“It was pretty bad. My old uncle is probably gonna be arrested. See, Uncle Selwynn and Auntie Zee are real poor. They don’t even have electricity where they live over by Roaring Creek so all they have to do for fun is to argue with each other.”
“What do they argue about?”
“Anything. But it’s usually about who gets the last word in an argument. My old Auntie just can’t help getting in that last word.”
“Some people are just like that,” I said.
“Not like this. Last week they quarreled because Uncle Selwynn wouldn’t buy a new pair of scissors after Auntie broke hers. She said she could sew her dress up if she had scissors and she wouldn’t shut up. They fought so much the family sent me over to make peace.”
“That sounds like a tough job,” I said.
“Auntie was fixing tortillas and she said that if she had scissors she could cut them into round shapes and Uncle got so vexed he tried to slap her. I took them outside for a walk by the creek to relax and pick some golden plums. She said that if she had some scissors she could cut the plums off the tree. Uncle got so mad he told her that if she said scissors again he’d throw her in the water.”
“What happened next?”
“She said scissors and Uncle Selwynn pushed her into Roaring Creek. Auntie couldn’t swim so she just disappeared. The only thing you could see was when her hand came up out of the water with her fingers still making scissoring motions.”


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