Tea is bad for you.
Tea makes people angry.
Please avoid drinking tea.
I discovered this the hard way.
One night, my cousins and I were all out for a fun evening at Carlo & Ernie’s — drinks were flowing, laughter was loud, vibes were top-tier. As the bar closed down, we all decided to continue the party at Vanya’s house.
Only… my best friend Toshy didn’t make it.
So Sherie and I launched a full-blown search party. A mission. A duty of friendship.
We set out to make sure our beloved Toshy got home safe.
Our investigation led us to the back entrance of Jyoto’s, where we snuck in like two half-buzzed spies. Upstairs, we found him — curled up like a parked Japanese kei car in the corner of his room. Peaceful. Compact. Fully committed to the fetal position. We figured it must be some ancient meditation technique.
We left him be.
Relieved, Sherie and I did what any two responsible, vodka-fueled legends would do after a successful rescue mission…
We checked the rice.
Yes. We made our way into the kitchen. Checked the fridge. Counted the fish. Felt the vibe. Every grain of rice was inspected with reverence and purpose. We weren’t just drunk. We were on a mission of rice-driven loyalty. That’s called dedication, baby.
We were proud.
Then came the morning.
Jasmine, our dear manager, woke up early. Tea in hand. Calm. Composed. Ready to conquer the day. Until…
She saw the footage.
The rice check video.
And in that moment, Jasmin transformed.
The tea took over. She became a TEA-DRIVEN WRATH GODDESS. She wasn’t mad about the rice — she was mad on principle. The texts came. The voice notes were long. The Slack messages? Blistering.
She raged all morning. All afternoon. Possibly into the next day. And she sipped more tea while doing it.
Coincidence? We think not.
So please, friends. This is your warning:
If you can’t handle your tea like Jasmine… just don’t drink it.
Drink vodka. Or beer. Like Toshy, Sherie, and me. We slept peacefully all morning, with no regrets and a kitchen full of perfectly prepped sushi supplies.
Hug your friends. Rescue your people. And for the love of rice leave Tea drinking to people who can handle It.
The events and characters depicted in Wolfe’s Woofer by Melody S. Wolfe are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. The column is intended for satire and entertainment purposes only.
