Doctor Love: Anon

Sunday, November 5th, 2017

Readers, email your question to [email protected] Your letters are edited solely for grammar, spelling and length.

Dear Doctor Love,
I’m an outgoing guy in my mid-twenties and I have found my soul-mate in a quiet, soft spoken girl. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but we are complete opposites. She rarely talks about herself where I am naturally talkative, so I end up chatting away while she just smiles and listens. We can be in the same room together for hours and never speak to each other and that feels strange for me. At a party she will hang back and watch the room and I can neglect her when I am having a fun time with a group of friends. She doesn’t complain and often offers to let me stay and she will catch a taxi home, and I believe she really doesn’t mind, but it makes me feel terrible. Sometimes she tells me to go out on a Saturday night by myself while she stays home and reads a book. Can I help her be more comfortable with crowds and show her that she can have a good time or should I slow down to her speed? I really want this to work.
/s/Anon

Dear Anon,
An introvert/extravert relationship can work very well if you understand each other’s needs and it appears that yours is already working—just not in the way you imagine it should. She would rather spend a few hours reading a book while you find enjoyment gathering with friends and engaging in more energetic pastimes. There is nothing in that type of relationship that needs to be a deal breaker. Both of you can be happy doing the things you love as long as you respect each other’s differences.
When you do go out together, learn to recognize when she is out of her comfort zone. She has presented the perfect game plan for parties—she offers to go home while you stay and enjoy yourself. Small talk, large groups and passionate conversation can be exhausting for an introvert, so understand her energy has most likely been drained and allow her to remove herself from the chaos. Respect that she has had enough and if she wants to duck out, let her, and go with her only if you want to. She’ll probably be happily reading when you get home and she will be able to interact with you on a one-to-one basis. Quiet time seems deeply necessary to her well-being, so don’t feel as though it is a lack of interest in you or your friends. She is not lonely or cutting you out, she is simply self-nurturing.

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