Doctor Love: Not Ready and Grudging
Sunday, August 7th, 2016
Readers, please send your letters. They can be emails, formal letters or handwritten notes. They are edited solely for grammar and spelling. Also, they are sometimes edited for length.
Dear Doctor Love,
I met a man two months ago. He is only separated from his wife and he is already after me to move in with him. I feel like this is way too fast for me. I also get the feeling that he is very controlling. He tries to call me at work when he knows I am not supposed to accept personal calls. One evening when I had my phone turned off he showed up on my doorstep wanting to know what was wrong. I have spent the night at his house three times and each time I spent most of it cleaning the house. He wants to come over during the week and spend time with me and for me to come to his house on weekends
More than anything right now I am looking for dating. Other than this we are very compatible. Should I quit wasting time on him or try to change him.
/s/ Not Ready
Dear Not Ready,
The Doctor has a stock answer for nearly everyone who wants to know if they can change someone else. The answer is usually that it’s time to leave. People do not change other people. If you feel like you have to ask, the cause is probably already lost.
Dear Doctor Love,
Three years ago my wife left me for another man and we got divorced. We had been married fifteen years and had three children with the oldest one now sixteen. Sometimes I have to talk to her about things for the kids but I get this tremendous rage that is hard to control. I am engaged to a lovely, nice woman so why do I feel this way?
Persistent, barely controlled anger like yours is aimed at someone else but the real victim is you. It can physically hurt you with things like ulcers and headaches. It can cripple you emotionally so that you cannot sustain a healthy relationship with someone else. Friends and your new love will get quickly tired of your stories of how you were wronged. Your children will be aware of the exchanges between you and your ex. They will blame both of you, no matter what so you’d better start getting things under control.
Before you go for a meeting with her prepare yourself. Write down the specific issues you want to discuss. Stick to those subjects only and change them when you begin getting heated. Most importantly, get signed up for anger management classes.
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