Dear Doctor Love,
I love my girlfriend but we have been having a problem that seems to be getting worse. We have some friends in common but mostly I have my friends and she has hers although my friends are the ones she spends the most time with. My friends, both male and female, like to drink and party a lot. We hang out at the bar and have a good time.
She doesn’t spend that much time with her friends, who are mostly women. She has always seen them once a month or so when they get together at one of their houses. I’ve been there and one of the reasons I don’t go anymore is that they do drugs. I’ve heard all of that stuff from my girlfriend that none of them are really drug users. It’s what she says is recreational drug use. I don’t like drugs in any form whatsoever so I no longer go to these gatherings. My girlfriend says that she feels like she has to go. Some of the guests are people that she really looks up to socially. She feels like if she doesn’t go she will be sort of left out of the social loop on the island.
About six months ago she started seeing them more frequently. Instead of once a month, it became every three weeks and then every two weeks. Now, I find out that there are only three or four of them that show up every two weeks. My girlfriend says that they don’t do drugs, but something is going on. Last month when she was leaving, I told her that I would like to come along. She made up some BS excuse about why it wouldn’t be cool. This week, I tried it again and she actually cancelled going. I get the distinct feeling that I am not really wanted at these parties.
I’ve been looking for changes in her behavior but the only one I see is that she is quicker to anger than she used to be. She’s always been quick-tempered but now she can get really nasty in a hurry.
It’s pretty scary to know that your fiancé has a secret life that she doesn’t want to share with you. What should I do?
/s/ Open Book
Dear Open,
You’d better re-examine your relationship. If you are not even married and your future bride is already keeping part of her life secret from you then the marriage-to-be is already on shaky ground. Please don’t think that just because you put a ring on your finger that she will feel obligated to begin sharing this part of her life with you. It’s not going to happen.
Since you are in to this relationship so deeply; keep trying. Try to go to the meetings with her friends, just to find out what is going on. If she keeps discouraging you, then it is time to put your foot down. If you suspect drug use, this is nothing to fool around with. Be firm. If you find out it is drugs, then get her some help. If she won’t accept help, then it is time to start shopping around.
