Wolfe’s Woofer: Another Checkup

Sunday, February 12th, 2017

“Don’t forget that you have another checkup scheduled with the doctor today,” Sherry said.
“I just had one last week. Why do I need another one?”
“The checkup last week was with your eye doctor. This one is with your regular doctor.”
“They’re all pretty much the same.”
“What is it that you don’t like about doctor visits?” she asked.
“I hate checkups because they always make you give up all the good things in life.”
“They do not.”
“Oh, yeah?” I said. “I remember when a study proved that coffee was bad for you. Five years later doctors said their study was flawed and it was OK to drink it again. If I had quit drinking coffee back then think of the thousands of cups of coffee I would have missed.”
“Get out of here!”
At the doctors’ office I was poked and prodded and suffered all of the usual indignities that a man can suffer while wearing nothing but a paper gown with the back end cut out. When he finished the doctor took his notes and left the room.
“What’s the verdict,” I asked when he returned.
“O.K., Mr. Wolfe,” he said. “The best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, nothing salty. No white breads, no alcohol, and no smoking. Oh, and no coffee.”
“What????!!!”
“The diagnosis is based on what my exam says is best for you.”
“Doc,” I said. “To be honest with you I don’t think I deserve the best. What’s the second best?”

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