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Dear Doctor Love,
The other day my husband left his laptop open to his email and I could see dozens of letters from a female whose name I didn’t know. Some people think wives shouldn’t look at their husband’s private messages, but if it begins with “Sweetheart,” I have to make an exception.
They were from a woman he’s been having an affair with for what appears to be quite some time. That morning he had made plans to go to his appointment on the mainland and “miss the last transport home.” He told this woman that he was beyond excited to spend the night with her and would see her in a few hours.
My reaction wasn’t anger or feelings of betrayal—it was more disbelief than anything. My husband had very little interest in sex or romantic love in our marriage—he seemed to not really care about it, so I just accepted that as part of our life together. We get along well and don’t argue so I figure we have a better life than some, not as good as it could be. We were and are just like good friends.
I did search his computer for anything with her name, and I found a folder of photos. Imagine my surprise when I realized that this was no woman. It was a dark-skinned young man dressed in ladies clothes, with make-up on and hair all done up. She was really quite convincing. It was only the lower half that gave it away that this was a man.
I don’t know what I will do. I do know I can’t tell anyone here because if it got out, we would both be humiliated beyond belief. Plus I don’t want people to judge him badly—he is a good man.
I’m not sure if I’m really writing for advice or hoping for a shoulder, I just feel safe telling someone who won’t run all over town and spread my story like chicken pox at a playground.
/s/Thank you for listening
Dear Listening,
Take some time to think things through and consider this as a possibility. Why not trust your friendship and talk to him about it? You don’t say how long you’ve been together but you don’t seem to be a couple of newlywed kids. Spare some embarrassment by quietly letting him know what you have discovered. Once he’s had a little time to think about it, it may be a relief for him to be able to be honest. Let’s face it, life won’t be very comfortable with both of you pretending.
