Wolfe’s Woofer: Emergency

Sunday, September 2nd, 2018

“There’s one right by that big mangrove,” Vernon said. “Stop the cart.”
When I stopped my golf cart Vernon got off to retrieve the coconut.
“Is this what Ms. Sherry wants?” Vernon asked, as he put the coconut in the bed of the cart.
“Yes. She wants eight of the ones from the Malaysian dwarf trees that already have some leaves and roots.”
“O.K.”
We wandered along the beach on the north end of Ambergris Caye until we found eight good seed coconuts. Then I turned the golf cart south and we headed back to town.
“Stop! Stop!” Vernon cried. “I got an emergency.”
When I stopped the golf cart he leaped out and scuttled for the bush. It wasn’t long before he called to me.
“Uh. . . Mr. Dennis! You got any paper with you?”
“No. What do you need paper for?”
“I had an emergency because of that burrito I had for breakfast. I need some toilet paper.”
“Vernon, you’re out of luck. There’s not a scrap of paper in this golf cart.”
“What am I gonna do? I can’t stay stuck out here behind this coco plum tree.”
“Do you have a two-dollar bill?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Use it to substitute for toilet paper.”
When he came back to the cart I said, “Good God, Vernon! You smell horrible and your hands are nasty. What happened?”
He said, “Huh! You try wiping with six shillings, six five cents and two ten cents.”

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